So Small….

Yep so here I am again!  Well I made a new video ’cause i wanted to get these pics into somethin’ I could capture in a memory so i had room for camp pics so it’s a bit rushed n i’m not quite as proud of it like i am my other videos, but still it’s ok so here it is.

So Small–my second life

Anywayz so camp is comin’ up *TOMORROW* n i dunno if i’ve ever been so excited!!  I mean yeah i went to winter camp, but i didn’t know really what I was gettin’ into, I really knew absolutely nobody n i felt really overwhelmed n frustrated n very alone, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, i was really sick in rl at the time n so i was grumpy n things got on my nerves n i took things people said way too personally. 

But anyway this time i know some people, sort of, from my cabin, n the most awesome thing is that we are talkin’ tons in our group n so i feel like i know these girls some already now n that i’m gunna have friends n not feel so afraid to just have fun n be myself.

It’s gunna be n awesome time n i’m gunna miss my family n friends who aren’t comin’ but I will most likely be on my blog n on plurk to talk all about it so it might even feel just like you are right there with me….maybe. 

Nite nite for now tho ’cause i gotta get some sleep soon if I wanna enjoy tomorrow!

packin' for camp!

Are You Famous?

Well, I was thinkin’ a lot lately, readin’ plurks, hearin’ conversations n stuff bout this, n then tonight while bein’ goofy n stuff it occured to me, well n sorta ’cause of stuff me n my sister ela were talkin’ bout too.

n anyway, i was tryin’ to think ’bout what makes people ‘cool’ or popular, ’cause i don’t think it’s the same to other people, like it is to me.  see i’m really super shy n mostly i like’ta watch people, i spent my 1st year of SL as basically a prim baby that *could* move, but for the most part i didn’t because walkin’ looked funny, n i mostly just sat in my mommy at the time’s arms n listened n watched the world go by.  n sadly enough i was ok with it for so long dat now it’s sorta like, awkward to speak to people, to make friends n kinda i wish i could just sit n listen n watch always, but i know i would feel even more left out den i already tend to.

So sometimes, I’ll be honest, I’m the kid runnin’ home to my sister or my daddy n sayin’ who i saw or talked to, n feelin’ a lil braggy ’bout it, but maybe not cause they are famous or well known, but ’cause to me they are someone who i’ve liked watched more den dat person could ever know or realize n i’ve seen qualities in dem, dat make dem someone i wanna know.    Am I gunna sit here n list who i think is in dat category?  Well sorry nope, ’cause dats just silly dis isn’t bout dat at all really, so do NOT come askin’ me ’bout it.

I guess when I think bout it, it’s just dat dose are people I admire, ’cause they have lotsa people around dem who seem to care, n i don’t really take notice when i’m surrounded by my own family n friends, cause in those moments i feel sorta ‘popular’ in my own right n not ina “Oh look at me i’m special!”  but in a….”this is my safe place, they all know me here n it’s ok to be me here n not hold back”.  but in da times when i can walk into a crowded place n not even feel noticed?  yeah i sorta i guess can feel like, oh those are the popular kids ’cause they can go pretty much anywhere n know someone.

n maybe i would know more people, if i just talked more n spent less time starin’ at ’em from a distance yanno?  but dat’s just me bein’ able to be very bluntly honest dat yes sometimes i’ma dork who doesn’t got a whole lot of self confidence so i tend to think people who can do cool stuff, make cool stuff, n have da ability to be liked by lotsa people, n who seem to just in general be someone who’s fun to be around, well ya i will get extra shy n feel like i’m not good enough to be round ’em, but dats not bout dem, it’s bout me n how i see myself, n somethin’ i prolly need to work on. 

so maybe da other people who are like dat, who are like “oooo famous people!”, maybe dems like dat too i dunno, or maybe for dem it’s somethin’ totally different, but i like to fink maybe i’m not alone, n maybe other people can understand how dat is.

‘cept maybe i will just get lotsa people who don’t like what i gotta say ‘cept ha!  dis my blog so ya’ i figure i’ma put my big mouthed opinions out der somewhere 😀

How my second life has changed me.

Most people won’t know dis ’bout mes, ’cause da people I know now, didn’t know me back den but da picture above?  Dat’s how I spent my first 2 weeks in second life.  It was as much a part’a mes as people’s shapes become to dem.  See I’m not jus’  2 years old in second life, on Tuesday, I will bes 5 years old, it’s not my rezz day, or my birthday, but it is da first day dat I appeared as a part of my big person’s life.   Back den I wasn’t blonde neither, I was asian, n in a wheelchair.  N for 3 years before I found SL, dats who I was n I was happy wif dat. 

I’ve written before about why I play a child in SL, so I won’t go back into dat horror story or it’s details *too* much, but for mosta my childhood, it was all about what I couldn’t do, da kinda abuse i suffered meant dat my mother even kinda found some sick emotional joy in what I couldn’t do, n so it was always ephasized.  So one day while rollin’ along in my wheelchair my old sister said to me, “Why don’t you just get up, you don’t have to be disabled here”  n she said it in such a blunt way that it shocked me, n i almost cried, but instead i decided to try it.

N I found out dat I like dis new world where I can do alla fings i can’t in real life.  I found out I really n truly needed to jus’ be a kid who can do anythin’ n for a while just watchin’ my avatar skip would make me cry ’cause it was somethin’ i wanted to do for real so, so much that even just gettin’ to see myself do those fings as a buncha pixels, was jus’ da most amazin’ fing ever. 

But tonite I was searchin’ thru my inventory for stuff n found my chair again, n seein’ as how a very important day is comin’ up for me, n how so much stuff in my life dis past year even has been so nuts n how i just found out 2 months ago I was in remission again, n i got to walk 2 miles for real!!!  it just seemed like da time to look back n really see how far I’ve come from da shy kid who wouldn’t even dare to walk, to da cookie monster, monkey girl who is into everythin’!

n even tonite, thinkin’ bout how camp is comin’ up, n how last camp i didn’t even really knows nobody, n i had a family who seemed glad i was at camp so they didn’t hafta stay kid appropriate for da week, n now i’ve gotta mommy n daddy n sisters n a brother n all kindsa people who are der for me n truly care ’bout me.  n now it’s somethin’ so excitin’ to be able to go n do stuff!  n even tonite watchin’ da fireworks dat Mari did at living tree n just feelin’ like i was a part’a somethin’ awesome ’cause in real life i can’t go out to watch fireworks, ‘least not til my immune system is better, n tonite when i mentioned it to someone they said they were sorry, cept for me it was like, no way ’cause this was almost even better!

n i realized life doesn’t hafta be bout what i can’t do anymore, der is plenty dat i can’t do, but now life is ’bout what i can do, n bein’ proud of even little accomplishments n treasurin’ every single precious moment, n not takin’ anythin’ for granted, ’cause you never know what the next moment might hold.  Life’s n adventure, n it ain’t always perfect, but it’s worth every moment spent in the rain, to see the sun shinin’ on the other side.

Our Kind of Love

If someone had told me 6 months ago where I would be today, happy, safe, loved and surrounded by da most amazin’ family n friends ever, i wouldda laughed, ’cause 6 months ago i was in a deep dark sad place n now life is just so….amazin’.  It’s been so long since i last posted, but only cause my real life has been so so busy! 

I just wanna share briefly dat big mes is for da first time ever livin’ on her own in real life n we’re learnin’ how’ta does so much stuff like ridin’ buses n cookin’ n cleanin’ n silly stuff to lotsa people, but when you’ve lived your whole life trul believin’ you aren’t capable, even walkin’ to da store to get doughnuts is a big big huge deal.

Anywayz I’ve made 2 videos since i last blogged n here is one of dem i’m gunna post.

Our Kind of Love

Dis video was so fun to make cause it was based on a real special family day me, mommy, daddy n jodie had, where we went n rode horses ound n dat was just super fun n its got some other bits n odds n ends too bout silly stuff n fun n family.  I love makin’ videos n bein’ able to put into somethin’ other people can see a lil bit of da love n friendship dat makes my second life so truly special.

n den i finished dis video yesterday:

My Destiny

I got lotsa pics from prom in dis one n i wished i’d not been movin’ durin graduation so i couldda been der n tooked pics too, cept dis is mostly just more random stuffs, i had planned to does mother’s n father’s day videos for mommy n daddy but life jus got so busy cept more den anythin’ i just love my family n feel so grateful for dem n my friends too!  cause da last few months have been full of so many ups n downs n broken hearts from loosin’ a real life love n moodiness from steriods n celebration when i went ina remission n grumps n groans n laughter n love n it’s been a crazy road, but i wouldn’t trade none of it for anythin’ in dis world.

For now dis is da monkey girl signin’ off to go finds some cookies!

These are the days

So some people from my past came creepin’ up on my family lately, they thought they could knock me down n say untrue stuff, but it didn’t work, my family stands by me no matter what, n i have the most amazin’ family n friends ever!  I’m not gunna get ina drama, I stay outta their way n all I can say is I feel sorry for them if they ever try’ta hurt me or anybody in my family cause we don’t put up with that!

So onto more happy stuff!  Man it’s been a while n some stuff has changed but mostly it’s all good cept a lil sad that I lost my sister keani, but it’s ok because in the end I learned just how strong this love is that I’m surrounded by an also I gotta god daddy now!  Hims name is McDogs Cooljoke n cept i jus’ call him daddy ~giggles~  n i gotta new god sister n brother them is jodie n ben n i love them lots n lots!  I love my family, I love how it all fits together so naturally, n how no matter what happens, even when scary things from the past try to get to me, they don’t never let go.  Life is good n happy n that’s all there is to it.

I made this video a while back but I’ma share it here now ’cause I ain’t had time to make a new one yet n cause this page needs some happiness on it!

These are the days  (click der to watch)

oh!  n in case anybody asks dats notta weddin’ in da video it’s one of my bestest friends Sunshine’s adoption ceremony it was absolutely beautiful n i felt so blessed to be a part of it!

Innocence

First off, it’s been a while since I posted mostly ’cause I had’ta reformat my computer n lost a bunch of stuff n ’cause I’ve just been enjoyin’ life n bein’ busy packin in real life to move soon! ~does a happy dance~

But last night I made the first video I’d made in a while so if you haven’t seen it, or just wanna see it again, here it is!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-U9EHpmkyk

N i wanna talk a lil bout what this video in particular means to me ’cause lately I’ve been goin’ thru some stuff, GOOD stuff, n it’s just been so amazin’ to see what people can see the real me n still love me just the same.  You see, few days ago, there was lotsa mischief goin’ on round willowdale, n i was watchin’ it n seein’ the kids who got in trouble, (you can even see some of the mischef in the video!~giggles~) n anyway i used to just be the good quiet kid, a lil’ hyper sometimes, but i never really misbehaved ever.  But then seein’ these kids n how adults dealt with ’em made me wonder, “What if *I* did that?  What would mommy do?”  So I talked to mommy bout it n we talked real long n serious like bout what would happen n what consequences would be n it just felt real safe to finally just be a kid n not feel like i had’ta worry bout bein’ good all the time.

n so one nite even for the first time while we were playin’ round in willowdale *I* even got a lil bit naughty n it wasn’t nuthin’ major but i started to feel so so so intensely little!  It’s like even my emotionas felt 4 n i felt that scared little kid inside who didn’t know how mommy was gunna react n then, when she still loved me n was there for me mys heart just felt so so safe n little n loved n i think my second life just got that much more meaningful to me ’cause now i know i can be me completely n no matter what that is, it’s ok.

so that’s kinda where the video came from, was just findin’ that innocence again, even inside of mischef n random bits of naughtyness, there’s just been this innocence surroundin’ everythin’ n i don’t never want it to end.

What My Second Life Truly Means to Me

Friday will mark 3 weeks since I was adopted by mommy.  And last night I made this video to sort of chronicle what the journey of the last few weeks has been like.

I Turn To You  (click there to watch)

And I guess, it’s just been on my mind a lot lately, how amazingly awesome my second life has been lately.  See, I know those of us who play kid av’s all have our different reasons for doin’ it, for bein’ who we are, n I guess tonight I feel brave enough to wanna share mine.

I’m a victum….no wait!  I hate that word.  I am a *survivor* of munchausen by proxy, if you don’t know what that is, it’s a form of abuse where a parent, or anyone in a position of authority makes another person, generally a child or someone weaker then them, sick in order to satisfy some emotional need, either to play the wonderful mom who always comes to the rescue to save their child, or to get the sympathy that they think a mother in such a position would get.

In essense, I was the barbie doll for most of my childhood, kept on the verge of death, dressed up in pretty dresses, expected to be sweet, quiet, n let my mother act out all the drama.  I was injected with fecess, blood, enough insulin to give a seizure, and other chemicals that should have and vey well could have killed me.  I spent a long time believing that it was my fault, that I was being punished, that I deserved it because I wasn’t the quiet kind of kid, I wasn’t the clean, sweet, shy kid that she wanted and so I often got it worse then my younger brother, I often got drugged to sleep so I wouldn’t protest, and when I was brave enough to report my mother, I was then put into various mental institutions and deemed insane by her and many others.

And so, having a second chance, to relive my childhood the way it should have been means everything to me.  And I truly believe that people can’t compare circumstances, that each of us has been given the path we’ve had to walk because it’s exactly what was known we could handle, but if people ever ask me why it is that I’m 4 in this virtual world, the answer is complex, and yet simple.

Because it’s finally safe.

I can walk through a childhood now where my worst fear is that there might not be enough cookies, or that I might not have the right outfit for rfm’s event!  It’s finally truly safe, I’m surrounded by a love that would never dream of doing what has been done in the past.  And it’s safe to be a bit messy, to make mistakes, to not have to appear like the perfect image of what a “sick kid” should be, I’m not paraded around like a doll, I’m just me, with all my crazy cute quirks and people accept that!

And there are days where I’m definately not perfect, because doctors have told me that my disease now is likely a direct result of my childhood, and at times I do feel angry, because this could have been prevented, and instead it was instigated by a sick woman.  And yet at the same time, every morning that I wake up, and can see the sun, feel the rain, walk this journey, and realize I don’t walk it alone, is just one more taunt in the face of my past.  It’s proof that miracles happen, that the human spirit is by far one of the strongest things in this world, especially when it’s given a chance to be nurtured, encouraged and cherished the way it should have been all along 

My family on second ife is every bit as importnt to my heart as a biological family would be, they mean everything to me and yesterday when I got the news that my disease was once more in remission, I wasn’t nearly as surprized that it happened so quicly, because I truly believe that laughter, love, friendship, family, understanding, patience and evn some cookies now and then, are the best medicine that there is. 

My life is a miracle, and if you are part of my second life, you’re a part of my miracle.

Special Memories

Makin’ special memoies is so so so important to how my second life goes for me, havin’ those moments you won’t ever forget, especially when they aren’t planned n just happen, such as–goin’ to mouse world with mys family!!

mouse wold car ride_001

mouse wold dancin'!_001

mouse wold dumbo ride_001

mouseworld1_001

mouseworld pirate ride_001

I mean granted space mountain was way too laggy to enjy, n some rides was closed likes…da spinnin tea cups!  but all inall it was fun n totally random dat we went n i loved every single minute! 

n den i wanted to post some other pictures i took too, just stuff that makes me happy, ’cause i’m real camera happy hehe

chillin march18th_001

dinner-march 18th_001

princess castle_001

swingset_001

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holidays

Holdays are real special to me, especially since bein’ on sl n havin’ n absolutely amazin’ family, n even the lil’ holidays, like not christmas or easter even but lil’ ones like St. Patrick’s Day, feel special ’cause I have people to go n do funny silly stuff with, n there’s hunts n free stuff n parties n it makes me truly feel like a kid.  n i guess also it’s nice dat holidays now are jus’ fun, n meant to be celebated n spent with family, n, ina world with a first life childhood that involved growin’ up in a religious cult that means all the fun stuff from a holiday was dredged out as “pagan” n all the stuff left was twisted into cruel, sick ways, it’s nice’ta feel like i can now see the world how it was mean’ta be seen, n so this is how the las’ couple days went for me, shown in pictures 😀

clover chair1_001

happy st. patricks day1_001

I have no idea which hunt i wont both of those things on but they made great pics n were real awesome.  Which is kina funny, that i would get into doin’ hunts so much, but i guess the more of a challenge somethin’ is the more i wanna prove i can do it n not give up!  n yeah sometimes friends come to help me “see” around a store n find a prize, but most’a the time it feels real real good to do it on my own. ~grins~

dinnermarch16th_001

This was dinner atsa orphanage, (where my mommy works) in willowdale on Tuesday night.  There were other people there, but this is jus’ me n mommy n Mr. Cooljoke, he is so so funny ne he kept stuffin’ chicken in his hat n then he said he could pull all kindsa stuff out like a bunny! (you can barely see da bunny tho it’s ona other side of my plate kinda hidin)  ‘cept then late mommy says he musta’ pulled out some of that sleepytime tea cause he fell asleep ~giggles~

st.patricks day march17th2010_001

This is me on St. Patrick’s Day, n yet again i dunno where i got the lil’ clover seat thingy but it was cute!

thevortexmarch17th_001

And this is me n olga, (well n other random people i dunno hehe) atsa vortex on St. Patrick’s Day, n olga even won da contest yay olga! 😀

RFM st patricks dayAnd this is me n olga at RFM on St. Patrick’s Day…we’re cute, ’cause mommy said so even! hehe

snugglinmarch15_001

Snuggles are always good after a long day of partyin’!~nods lots~

rfm pj partt march 18th_001

N this is RFM’s pj party this mornin’, n i just stuck it in here in case i don’t blog for a lil while again.

Life just feels real happy n cozy n i feel so blessed to have all the friends n family i do, there’s a reason to wake up now, to crawl outta bed even on the hardest days ’cause i know there will be people waitin’ to see me n who wanna spend time with me n that makes it all worth fightin’ for. 

“Those things that we fight for are far more precious to us then those things that fall into our laps—life is precious—FIGHT FOR IT!”  This was a direct quote from my college entrance exam essay, n it’s somethin’ i’ve always said, but lately life feels so amazin’, so truly precious n worth the fight it is to make it thru.  So if you’ve been a parta my second life in anyway, thank you, ’cause you’re my reason n thats somethin’ way way special.

Around n around….

Well….here goes nuthin’!  I didn’t wanna write nuthin’ right away, ’cause i didn’t wanna make it seem like anyone is bad.  So I’m just say it here now tho.  On March 5th 2010 I was adopted by Dakota Lawksley n I’m real yreal happy now.  I gotta sister named Ela n I gotta forever sissy named Keani still n my life is just real excitin’ n i love it.  But there isn’t anythin’ at all wrong with mys old family, n i don’t want anyone thinkin’ that just stuff changes n has’ta be re-worked out n how it goes, n so now I’m movin’ on to a new chapter, one that will hopefully be more permanent, ’cause my emotions are so haywire from so much change n now stuff is finally settlin’ down to where i feel like i can talk bout it.

 

Anyways mommy n sissy n me all live on da most beautiful island, n so now i’m gunna share some of mys favorite pics from our first week or so at home.

friend n sister time1_001

This is me n ela n ina middle is mys bestest friend olga, i love her so much, we have so much fun doin’ stuff like goin’ to RFM together n doin’ events n workin’ at club dancin’ tots, n i love my sister tons too of course! 

makin' mommy a pretty picshur_001

This is me makin’ mommy a pretty picture!  I bought da easel at fifty linden friday n i love it!  ‘cept at da time i was drawin’ mommy a picture ’cause her got all addicted to plurk!~giggles~

in bubbles!2_001

Yesterday Mr. Cooljoke came over n he gave us bubbles n we all played lots n bounced n mommy took videos n it’s was jus so so fun n i laughed so much n i love times like dat!

porch swing_001

This is me n sissy n mommy on our porch swing in front of our new house which is so so so awesome n pretty n i love it n my family so so much!

snuggletime1_001

This is my favorite pic i took this week of me n mommy snugglin’ 😀

sunrise_002

Da sunrise is so so beautiful from ours balcony

where we live1_001

n dis is where we live, isn’t it so so pretty?

Well I gunna try’ta blog more now i just had so much emotions n i needed to calm down before i wrote what all had happened, but now i am so so happy n i don’t never want this feelin’ to end.

« Previous Entries

This site is not associated with the brands mentioned unless otherwise stated. In particular, Second Life®, Linden, Linden Lab®, inSL, SL, and SLurl are trademarks of Linden Research, Inc..

No infringement is intended. No association is implied.