So Small….

Yep so here I am again!  Well I made a new video ’cause i wanted to get these pics into somethin’ I could capture in a memory so i had room for camp pics so it’s a bit rushed n i’m not quite as proud of it like i am my other videos, but still it’s ok so here it is.

So Small–my second life

Anywayz so camp is comin’ up *TOMORROW* n i dunno if i’ve ever been so excited!!  I mean yeah i went to winter camp, but i didn’t know really what I was gettin’ into, I really knew absolutely nobody n i felt really overwhelmed n frustrated n very alone, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, i was really sick in rl at the time n so i was grumpy n things got on my nerves n i took things people said way too personally. 

But anyway this time i know some people, sort of, from my cabin, n the most awesome thing is that we are talkin’ tons in our group n so i feel like i know these girls some already now n that i’m gunna have friends n not feel so afraid to just have fun n be myself.

It’s gunna be n awesome time n i’m gunna miss my family n friends who aren’t comin’ but I will most likely be on my blog n on plurk to talk all about it so it might even feel just like you are right there with me….maybe. 

Nite nite for now tho ’cause i gotta get some sleep soon if I wanna enjoy tomorrow!

packin' for camp!

Are You Famous?

Well, I was thinkin’ a lot lately, readin’ plurks, hearin’ conversations n stuff bout this, n then tonight while bein’ goofy n stuff it occured to me, well n sorta ’cause of stuff me n my sister ela were talkin’ bout too.

n anyway, i was tryin’ to think ’bout what makes people ‘cool’ or popular, ’cause i don’t think it’s the same to other people, like it is to me.  see i’m really super shy n mostly i like’ta watch people, i spent my 1st year of SL as basically a prim baby that *could* move, but for the most part i didn’t because walkin’ looked funny, n i mostly just sat in my mommy at the time’s arms n listened n watched the world go by.  n sadly enough i was ok with it for so long dat now it’s sorta like, awkward to speak to people, to make friends n kinda i wish i could just sit n listen n watch always, but i know i would feel even more left out den i already tend to.

So sometimes, I’ll be honest, I’m the kid runnin’ home to my sister or my daddy n sayin’ who i saw or talked to, n feelin’ a lil braggy ’bout it, but maybe not cause they are famous or well known, but ’cause to me they are someone who i’ve liked watched more den dat person could ever know or realize n i’ve seen qualities in dem, dat make dem someone i wanna know.    Am I gunna sit here n list who i think is in dat category?  Well sorry nope, ’cause dats just silly dis isn’t bout dat at all really, so do NOT come askin’ me ’bout it.

I guess when I think bout it, it’s just dat dose are people I admire, ’cause they have lotsa people around dem who seem to care, n i don’t really take notice when i’m surrounded by my own family n friends, cause in those moments i feel sorta ‘popular’ in my own right n not ina “Oh look at me i’m special!”  but in a….”this is my safe place, they all know me here n it’s ok to be me here n not hold back”.  but in da times when i can walk into a crowded place n not even feel noticed?  yeah i sorta i guess can feel like, oh those are the popular kids ’cause they can go pretty much anywhere n know someone.

n maybe i would know more people, if i just talked more n spent less time starin’ at ’em from a distance yanno?  but dat’s just me bein’ able to be very bluntly honest dat yes sometimes i’ma dork who doesn’t got a whole lot of self confidence so i tend to think people who can do cool stuff, make cool stuff, n have da ability to be liked by lotsa people, n who seem to just in general be someone who’s fun to be around, well ya i will get extra shy n feel like i’m not good enough to be round ’em, but dats not bout dem, it’s bout me n how i see myself, n somethin’ i prolly need to work on. 

so maybe da other people who are like dat, who are like “oooo famous people!”, maybe dems like dat too i dunno, or maybe for dem it’s somethin’ totally different, but i like to fink maybe i’m not alone, n maybe other people can understand how dat is.

‘cept maybe i will just get lotsa people who don’t like what i gotta say ‘cept ha!  dis my blog so ya’ i figure i’ma put my big mouthed opinions out der somewhere 😀

How my second life has changed me.

Most people won’t know dis ’bout mes, ’cause da people I know now, didn’t know me back den but da picture above?  Dat’s how I spent my first 2 weeks in second life.  It was as much a part’a mes as people’s shapes become to dem.  See I’m not jus’  2 years old in second life, on Tuesday, I will bes 5 years old, it’s not my rezz day, or my birthday, but it is da first day dat I appeared as a part of my big person’s life.   Back den I wasn’t blonde neither, I was asian, n in a wheelchair.  N for 3 years before I found SL, dats who I was n I was happy wif dat. 

I’ve written before about why I play a child in SL, so I won’t go back into dat horror story or it’s details *too* much, but for mosta my childhood, it was all about what I couldn’t do, da kinda abuse i suffered meant dat my mother even kinda found some sick emotional joy in what I couldn’t do, n so it was always ephasized.  So one day while rollin’ along in my wheelchair my old sister said to me, “Why don’t you just get up, you don’t have to be disabled here”  n she said it in such a blunt way that it shocked me, n i almost cried, but instead i decided to try it.

N I found out dat I like dis new world where I can do alla fings i can’t in real life.  I found out I really n truly needed to jus’ be a kid who can do anythin’ n for a while just watchin’ my avatar skip would make me cry ’cause it was somethin’ i wanted to do for real so, so much that even just gettin’ to see myself do those fings as a buncha pixels, was jus’ da most amazin’ fing ever. 

But tonite I was searchin’ thru my inventory for stuff n found my chair again, n seein’ as how a very important day is comin’ up for me, n how so much stuff in my life dis past year even has been so nuts n how i just found out 2 months ago I was in remission again, n i got to walk 2 miles for real!!!  it just seemed like da time to look back n really see how far I’ve come from da shy kid who wouldn’t even dare to walk, to da cookie monster, monkey girl who is into everythin’!

n even tonite, thinkin’ bout how camp is comin’ up, n how last camp i didn’t even really knows nobody, n i had a family who seemed glad i was at camp so they didn’t hafta stay kid appropriate for da week, n now i’ve gotta mommy n daddy n sisters n a brother n all kindsa people who are der for me n truly care ’bout me.  n now it’s somethin’ so excitin’ to be able to go n do stuff!  n even tonite watchin’ da fireworks dat Mari did at living tree n just feelin’ like i was a part’a somethin’ awesome ’cause in real life i can’t go out to watch fireworks, ‘least not til my immune system is better, n tonite when i mentioned it to someone they said they were sorry, cept for me it was like, no way ’cause this was almost even better!

n i realized life doesn’t hafta be bout what i can’t do anymore, der is plenty dat i can’t do, but now life is ’bout what i can do, n bein’ proud of even little accomplishments n treasurin’ every single precious moment, n not takin’ anythin’ for granted, ’cause you never know what the next moment might hold.  Life’s n adventure, n it ain’t always perfect, but it’s worth every moment spent in the rain, to see the sun shinin’ on the other side.

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